I had this brainwave at the pub yesterday. Actually, I had this idea in class, when I was supposed to be concentrating on UN peacekeeping missions but then I ruminated on it later, at the pub.
Basically, it is this. Relationships are like cereal. By that, I mean, different types of relationships (from mere casual interactions between nether regions to long marriages) can usefully be categorised and compared by using cereal. I could do this using gin, but that would get messy.
So, here it is, the sum result of my intellectual output yesterday. A Typology of Cere(a)lationships.
Fruit Loops: You’re more Jessica Day than Daniel Day Lewis. Not the brightest crayons in the box, but you make a pretty pair! You float through the world blissfully suspended in your own colourful, sugary beauty. Just mind you don’t go stale.
Cheerios: Nice, normal, safe. The accountants and florists of the world. 2.5 kids and a mortgage. The bedrock of society. But, maybe a little boring?
Honey Nut Cheerios: Nice, normal, safe. But with kinky sex thrown in on the odd weekend.
Pop tarts: Who are you kidding? This is ONS material. Nothing else.
Corn Flakes: You probably met in high school and haven’t been able to rely on anyone else quite so well ever since. There is absolutely no surprise and spontaneity in your lives. But that’s how you’ve liked it. Since 1955.
Cocoa Pops: You’re the hip, black version of Rice Krispies. Plenty of SNAP! CRACKLE! and POP! happening at your house. You’re even good when you’re soggy. Everyone is jealous of you. Seriously. All the other cereals on the shelf are like DAYUM!
Muesli: The 75-year long happy marriages. Enough fruity bits to keep things interesting, but a solid, oat-y core that gets you through the day, the month and the years.
Raisin Bran: You’re both old souls. You mix up the Raisin Bran with pancakes and the occasional Full English on weekends, but you know it’s the everyday regularity that matters.
Fruity Bix: What are you, five? Grow up and get a real cere(a)lationship.
You are the lean protein, green leafy vegetables and antioxidants of relationships. You go for 15km runs at 6am on the beach together. You have dogs but no children. You both take “very good care of yourselves”. You’re just a touch self-congratulatory and a good proportion of your single friends find you difficult to be around. More power to you I say.
Cookie Crisp: You, on the other hand, have little to no will-power. You are the couple who spends Saturday nights on the couch wearing onesies, sipping cocoa and growing ever more complacent in the amorphous mass of your comfort. Don’t get me wrong, there is space for Cookie Crisp in this world. Love can be easy. But don’t let it become boring.
Generic Brand: You’re cheap. (Or frugal. However you want to spin it.) You’re not ostentatious in life, so you’re not about to be indulgent with your partner. Heavens, he wouldn’t know how to draw a scented bath if his life depended on it, and she wouldn’t know sexy lingerie if it hit her across the face. And you’ve never had sex with the lights on. I tell you this: you’re probably blasé enough to think that you’ve got years of this breakfasting left to do, so you’ll get round to buying the ‘nice’ stuff sometime next
week, month year. But deep down you know that every bowl may be your last bowl. So why not make it a good one every time?
Oatmeal: Ahhh you are the Scots and Irish of relationships – as opposed to the Italians, the French and…good lord, yes, the Spaniards. While your southern cousins imbibe espressos, biscuits and grappa in some hedonistic early morning tailspin, you’re the cholesterol-reabsorption-lowering, heart-rate-stablising, low-GI and high-fibre bowl of cere(a)lationship goodness. You might dress yourselves up with strawberries, honey, cinnamon and bananas from time to time. But basically, you have what every couple wants. (Especially in those little microwave sachets. Those are just freakin’ dinky!)
Time for lunch.